More crap pouring out of my head....

I realized this morning that I am scared to try again with R.
The time we were together, my personality disappeared. It morphed into being a female carbon copy of his.
Also, his "lifestyle", (i.e. his slobbiness, his pack-rat mentality, his lack of self discipline) wear me out. It is like fighting a tidal wave with a teaspoon. It wears me out just thinking about it.
I don't want to deal with all that again, although since he moved in here after getting his utilities shut off he has sort of taken over my home too... it isn't even close to as clean and neat as I want it, but I am sooo tired of fighting a losing battle...
Is there even hope that this will work?? I am NOT changing my ways. Clean space is a necessity... and piles of dirty dishes in the sink, and dirty clothes in the living room are just not going to cut it with me...
I don't ever seeing him being disciplined enough to "clean up" his act, either...
*sigh*
Do I sound like a broken record??
We really have not been apart much, although we have been officially seperated for 5 years... he keeps following me, and something always happens that I end up letting him move in... I think HE can't live without ME...maybe he is the dependent one, the submissive one.... I didn't take him on to raise, though...
Oh well... I don't know what the answer is...